Journey

Year of Big Birthdays for the Burtons

My family.  What a fun group of people.  

For over half of my life, I lived far enough away from my family that I didn’t see them all for birthdays.  Growing up, we always celebrated everyone’s birthday in our family.  It’s not to say that a huge party was thrown, or anything like that, but ensuring that everyone was celebrated at least once a year – that was a big deal.  We’d have the occasional birthday party (mine, of course, was my sweet sixteen), but for the most part we kept it low-key.

Adding people into our family, via my brothers getting married and nephews being born, added even more fun to the Burton birthdays. Until recently, I didn’t live by family for any of my one sister-in-law’s birthdays (Tiffany), nor my two youngest nephews’ birthdays (Ross and Ryder).  But I would attempt visits home to get everyone together to do a Burton Birthday Bash.  With the exception of Ross, whose birthday is in February, we have family celebrations from April through September, with most of them being in August and September.  Whenever we do a cake for a BBB, we’ll light the candles and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to…everyone.  We all throw in different names when it’s time to name the person, or we’ll just say everyone’s name really fast, or sometimes we just end up saying, ‘everyonnnnnnnnnne, Happy Biiiiirthdaaaaay to you…’

So we get to celebrate each other in big doses, and we truly enjoy doing it.  It’s the whole Christmas concept of – it’s even more fun to give than receive.  My family does that well.  No one really cares about what they’re going to get – at least not as much as we care about how much you’ll enjoy the gift we’re about to give you.

My family does that well.  No one really cares about what they’re going to get – at least not as much as we care about how much you’ll enjoy the gift we’re about to give you.

I love that.

This has been an extra fun year for birthdays.  All of my nephews hit those milestone birthdays.  Ross turned 16.  Ryder turned 10.  Robert turned 21.  I’m pretty sure that my brother and sister-in-law didn’t plan it that way, but it’s fun to realize.  To top it all off, my mama is going to be 70 on Sunday.  Man, Ilove her.  I’ve been nothing but blessed since I moved in to hang with my parents for a short season, back in June, while I transition back to live by my family.  She’s amazing.  (So’s my dad…but we’ll get to him later.)

A few weeks ago we did a Burton Birthday Brunch Bash – brother, David, got a waffle maker for Christmas last year and I don’t get enough use of it, so I requested a brunch bash.  We brunched, and swam, and laughed a lot.  Ryder brought the fun, and we do a mini version of that this Sunday to celebrate a few more birthdays.

2016-08-20-20-09-06

35 by 35

I woke up this morning and realized it was the 11th. Every time I realize it’s the 11th of any month I automatically calculate how many months until my birthday, which is on the 11th of the greatest month ever.

3 months.

I will turn 35 in 3 months.

Excitement that my birthday was only a quarter away, joined with the utter disgust for how enormous I look, and the sheer terror that my actual age will be close to 40 all drew me to one conclusion.

I need to lose 35 pounds by the time I turn 35. Really-that’s all I came to.

Again…3 months.

I can do this.

Perhaps I should add onto that:

  • read 35 books of the Bible
  • go to bed on-time 35 times
  • NOT have Starbucks 35 times
  • run 35 times (which would help with the original goal)
  • write 35 thank you notes
  • take 35 midday walks during work
  • oooooo….write 35 blog posts

Aaaaaaand GO!

I Can Do Hard Things

Run is such a strong word for what I do.

Nonetheless, I run.

I love the mental and physical sensation that comes from running.  I love the soreness that I acquire when I start running again…that is, when I go through a dry spell and jump back in again…because thankfully that soreness goes away once I'm in the zone.

A little over a month ago I was sitting around with some friends at a park in Old Town.  Late to the game, I jumped into the topic of "tell us about a dream that you have…"  

Immediately I thought of two things:

"I want to see people get set free…all the time…I just want to see people walk in freedom"

"I want to get married and have a family, of course!"  

Someone else said one of them, so I told them about another dream that I've had for many years, which is to run a marathon.  I also added that I wanted to go Hawaii, and someone suggested that I run a marathon in Hawaii.  I figure I could kill three birds with one stone by getting married, going to Hawaii for my honeymoon, and run a marathon while I'm there. 😉  I dream…I digress…

That afternoon I decided to sign up for a 5K.  Yea, I can't run a full 5K right now.  (ugh) BUT I am getting there, and more quickly than I used to!  (This is exciting)  I think my body is starting to kick into gear more quickly, and it's not considering running to be so foreign as it has in the past when I started again. Good thing.  I got off track for a few days so I skipped a few of my Couch25K training days and ran much longer than I was originally supposed to today.  I love when I actually do what I put my mind to.  It's the sort of day that I was super proud of myself.

One of my favorite things about running is all the ways God teaches me through it.  It never fails…there's ALWAYS a lesson to learn.  Plus, I am so that Chariots of Fire guy, Eric Liddell, when he says that he feels God's pleasure when he runs.  (Run is still such a strong word for what I do, so maybe I can just say that I feel God's pleasure when I jog.:)  I picture Jesus on the sidelines with a sweatband on his forehead and a shirt that says, "KimPossible iz my HomeGurl!"  He's not usually wearing a robe in those visions.

Today I decided to go out when it was late in the afternoon, and it snapped into darkness during the warmup!  The thing I love the most about the location of my living arrangement is that we have trails down GW Parkway.  Love me so trails, trees, nature…falling leaves now.  (sigh)  Except when it's dark.  I am the sort of person who could be voted most likely to twist my ankle doing nothing (not claiming it, just sayin'), so GW Parkway trails would not necessarily be my friend at night.  This evening I decided I wasn't going to care and that I'd just be extra careful.

This is what it looked like:

2013-11-11 17.50.51

No joke.  That's an actual picture I took during the cool-down.

Then I tried to force the flash and got this:

2013-11-11 17.51.16

It. Was. Dark.

This trail had some lovely little twists, turns and hills, but all I could get were glimpses of what was right in front of me, just a few steps ahead.  

Such is life, right?

There are times when God makes everything that's coming very clear.  Other times all I get is a few steps ahead of me.  That trust in Him has to be pretty real.  

"Seriously, God, are you sure this is the best road for me to be on?  I mean, can't we find a safer place to journey and learn a few lessons?  Perhaps one that would be less painful if (and when) I fall?"  

"Sure, but you'd be bored," is what I think I hear Him say to me often.  

There were times, tonight, that I would start jogging and wonder why it had just gotten harder, until I realized I'd just gone up a small hill without even seeing it.

There's a reason why Psalm 119:105 is a big deal.  

Your word is a lamp before my feet and a light for my journey.

Oh, the journey.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do hard things.  I feel like I get blindsided by little hills that I climb that I don't feel prepared for, but God tells me that I can do hard things (see Philippians 3:14 for proof).  It's my mantra for life right now.  If you see me walk through something tough and I look like I'm going to meltdown, feel free to simply say, "Kim, what can you do?", to which I will crack a smile and reply, "I can do hard things."  It may even look like I'm rolling my eyes at you, but don't take it personally…I'm really rolling my eyes at me.

Plus…

I can do hard things

Yes.  I have that as a screensaver on my phone.  A girl can never remind herself enough about WHO she is.  ;-)

While I was jogging through one of my last stints tonight, a non-running song came through on my phone, but this was a song I just don't turn off when it comes on, so I slowly jogged to a slow song. It's this Bebo Norman song that I have LOVED since college; it's the song I want to walk down the aisle to at some point in time when a man decides to be captivated by all this redheaded awesomeness.  God reminded me, once again, that even that part of my journey will have more answers someday, and even that dream will come true as well.  Even though it's hard to wait, I can do hard things.  

In two weeks I will have run myself a nice little 5K, and will begin training for a 10K…because I can do hard things.

Even if I have to run in the dark, I will do so with only a few steps ahead of me illuminated…because I can do hard things.

And I will become a runner…because I can do hard things.  

If anyone feels called to sponsor my trip to Hawaii, I will accept…because you are awesome.  (That didn't go with the poeticness of the last few lines, but figured it wouldn't hurt to throw it in just in case. 😉

“But Who Will Marry ME?”-Sweet Friend Gabby

Scrabble

(Check out this sign on Etsy here)


I love to keep up with messages by my amazingly anointed and gifted friend (and former pastor), Brad.  He is the pastor of a thriving church in my hometown, Philly.  God is blowing my mind @ City Life Church, in the ways that He is moving, and I'm so proud of my friends and their team for pursuing the City of Love with the ultimate Love of Christ.  

Every now and then I have a Brad Leach marathon and listen to several messages from the past couple months, and today is such a day.  Due to Singles Awareness Month around here, 😉 I have been avoiding listening to his relationship messages from last month, feeling great in that area and not needing one more right now.  But after posting yesterday', about my sweet moment with Jesus and the stallion that He has prepared for me, I decided it would be okay to hear Brad's thoughts about this.

He tells this precious story about his little girl, Gabby, at the beginning of this message, and if you've got it in you to hear one more message about relationships any time soon, this is another great talk on the topic for all my phenomenal friends out there in a season of wondering, "But who will marry ME?"  Check it out here. (2/24/13)  He even gives a great reason to join the Operations Team @ DC Metro Church…suggesting that you can enter Connection Cards from Sunday and scope out the new single people @ the church.  Just sayin'. 😉

I "don't need to budge from God's plan for my life."  So glad that I get to thrive in my singleness.

 

Hopeful New Year

About an hour ago I did wish some folks a Happy New Year.

The more I consider it though, who am I to tell people to have a happy new year?

This past year has brought quite a bit of suffering and grief to people I really love, like, barely know and many I'll never meet…why should they be required to have a Happy New Year in 2013?

This year I've…

watched some close friends tragically lose their dads

watched one of my best friends lose really important older women in her life (her MawMaw and great aunt who helped raise her)

watched a friend still not be able to get back with her separated husband

watched a good friend still not have resolution with an untruthful accusation with his job at work

watched several close women in my life miscarry…more than once

watched my sister-in-law say goodbye to one of her good friends who went into hospice the other day and pass away this morning

watched a friend go home to be with her dad as he entered hospice care

learned that the son of my sister-in-law's childhood best friend (who died 5 years ago) shot himself the other day with his best friends there

heard of tragedy after tragedy happen-just in this country-with folks losing their friends and loved ones to horrific events, due to brokenness (the government can't make broken people unbroken…never will be able to…)

learned of sick adoption issues across the world that are truly harming children

learned of more than one mom of small kids lose her husband out of nowhere

learned that just yesterday my friend's dad went to the hospital with pneumonia

watched two of my best friends say goodbye to their 2 1/2 year old little girl after a 2 1/2 year battle with sickness

and the other day I watched (from a distance) a family that I hold dear get into a horrific accident, throwing one of my favorite little freckle-faced, Irish teenagers from the car, taking away his Senior year and first year of college-here in 2013…

…seen so much pain…

I think…who am I to wish these people a Happy New Year?

Instead, I think this year I will move forward with wishing my friends and family a Hopeful New Year.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15.13

How can all of these people move forward in such great pain? It just doesn't seem to be humanly possible, but by the grace of God.  I was reflecting yesterday on how great God was this past year-in SO many ways, and also on the reality of the sorrow that SO many of my friends and family have felt.  I literally felt it yesterday-quite a heaviness.  These things are not sorrowful moments felt once and then gone.  These are moments that are felt on a daily basis.

So I will continue to pray for said-friends in my life, and those that I do not know, asking that God would make the reality of His hope apparent in their lives.  That it would push them forward 365 more times in 2013-even on the really hard days, when numbness sets in and the walls of grief are closing in on them.  I'm praying that Father God would help them put together the pieces that don't make sense and that He will bring a new level of wholeness to their lives.

Only. God.

Feel free to let me know how I can be praying with you this year.

Love,

Kim

 

You are my hiding place and my shield;
I hope in your word.

 

Psalm 119.114

 

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you.

 

Psalm 39.7

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words.

Psalm 119.147

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope…

Psalm 130.5

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God…

Psalm 146.5

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Romans 8.24-25

Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

Proverbs 23.18

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 12.12

 

Rubes

Today we take a few moments

to CELEBRATE

the life of a courageous little girl

whose brief touch on this earth has impacted more people

than a 2 1/2 year old typically has the chance to

We CELEBRATE

the faith that it launched in people

the depth that it dug in people

the inner healing that will continue to abound in people

We CELEBRATE

the GOODNESS of God

…because even in the midst of the pain that is felt…

He

is

still

good

We GRIEVE

for our LOSS

Yet

will continue to CELEBRATE

her GAIN 

Luse family-044

Ruby Joy (Rubes)

you were a delight to know

you were a champion

you gave me reasons to never give up hope

…to never lose heart

Through your life

mine was revived

Thank you for being a part of my life

It was a JOY to know you here

Can't wait to run with you someday

and laugh

and giggle

and dance

…let's dance together

Your legacy extends farther than any of us can see

and will last for eternity

You are a hero to me, Rubes

Love you.

 

In memory of Ruby Joy Luse

July 10, 2009-March 14, 2012

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Isaiah 35.10

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.

So-long-farewell-copyFor the past 2 weeks I decided to go lite on my sugar fast, which I've been on since the end of July.  I felt peace about it.  I felt like God was saying, "Kim, it's your fast.  I'm not the legalistic one here."  So, almost daily I've had some things with sugar in them, including:  specialized coffee drinks, a few cookies, some pie, and some candy.  Full disclosure…a muffin too.

Now I am sure that God said those things to me.  Why?  Because He knew that I needed a couple of weeks to see that I'm not ready to go off of my fast yet. :-)  I feel terrible….pretty sick.  Not good.  Get the picture? 

In Reading class we are learning about inferencing.  You take what the author is saying, add to it your background knowledge, and you create an inference!  Or you take what you see in a picture, add to it your background knowledge, or what you sense, and you create an inference!  So I am taking this nauseous feeling and the jittery heart beat that I keep feeling, add to it that those are awful feelings, and I create the inference that sugar really does suck for my body. 

My body is not a fan of the stuff-and it decided to show me that with the nausea, the rapid heart beat and the gaining of 6 pounds (ouch!).  2 weeks…6 pounds.  That's what adding sugar back in has done.  The funny thing is that part of that has come from the legarthy that has ensued, putting me to sit so much from being so dang tired.  Seriously.  What a domino effect.

So I'm done.  I can't do this anymore.  Sugar, you are gone again…for a very long time.  I really don't like you enough for all this.  Not. Worth. It. 

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.

The Night Before School Starts

So many thoughts run through my head on a day like today.  It's Labor Day, the last day of the summer without kids.  The day before I am, again, responsible for making sure that 50 4th graders are literate citizens…so that the prison system can be just a little bit smaller 10 years from now.

I woke up this morning with some tasks to complete for the greatest youth ministry in the Metro DC area.  Check.

Got to soak for some time and listen to some teaching by Bill Johnson and be encouraged.  Check.

Then I moved onto some personal errands, including what was probably the largest charge I've ever had to pay at CVS Pharmacy (nothing major, just the vanity of my skin:).  Check.

Thought about doing some school work, but didn't get much farther than checking my email.  Check. Checkmark

Got inspired to plan to go see a band of a couple guys who teach at my school for my birthday.  If you're around on September 17 and would like to come, please let me know!  All friends are welcome.  You can find a sampling here:  The Running Record.  Planned my birthday event.  Check.

I LOOKED AT a workout video online, but for some reason didn't actually do it.  Thought about exercising.  Check.

Found some new friends on Twitter, and am looking forward to following them…they're quite amazing people, so I expect to be inspired often.  Acquired more reasons to sneak on Twitter during my lunch break.  Check.

Looked on Craigslist (again) for a home for my friends who are waiting so desperately on Jesus to see what their next step is.  Loved me some friends.  Check.

Thought about some random facts:

-In 6 days I will be the exact age my mother was when she gave birth to me.  (my mother was married, and had her 3rd child the day she turned 32)  Felt behind.  Check.

-My nephew is the same age that I was when he was born.  Felt old.  Check.

Listened to this song on repeat-My Romance, with Rick Pino.  Romanced by Jesus.  Check.

I am currently on Sweep Me Away, with Charlie Hall.  Being swept off my feet.  Check.

 

Please allow me to share my monologue that I am processing with Jesus right now ….

Jesus, YOU are the center of my life.  You are the engine that runs my day and the oil that keeps that engine healthy.  I choose to walk in your Spirit, and to embrace who YOU are to me.  More than that, even, I choose to see myself how you see me.  I choose to be the woman of God that you've created me to be.  Whether I am finding new friends on Twitter, picking up a prescription, or soaking in your powerful presence, I want to be actively aware of what you are doing and how you are moving.  I want my sense of you to overwhelm the senseless voice that whispers in my ear…the crap that reminds me just how unvaluable I am to others, and that places other people's opinions higher than your opinion of me.  I want to know my value, even on my most worthless of days.  I want to want to spend more time with you than I want to spend it with people…and then to actually do that.  I repent of my choices to allow other people to determine my worth, and I present my heart to you…broken and ready to be whole.  I was made for more than this.  I want the overflow of how much you love me to overwhelm the people that I encounter everyday.  Meet me where I am.  I need your grace.  I need your love to move through me.  The enemy is very nervous about the ways that you're going to change the students in my classroom this year.  He is try to shake me…unnerve me…annoy the crap out of me with other people.   In my moments of forgetting that my struggle is against him and not the people around me, he has had measly thoughts of victory.  He has been wrong.  In my weakness, Lord, you are made strong.  As my muscles get broken down when I put strain on them in weight training, and then built up again when I eat healthy doses of protein, so does my spiritual muscle when it is strained…and you feed my spirit with YOU and your words.

"You were running superbly! Who cut in on you, deflecting you from the true course of obedience?  This detour doesn't come from the One who called you into the race in the first place.  And please don't toss this off as insignificant. It only takes a minute amount of yeast, you know, to permeate an entire loaf of bread.  Deep down, the Master has given me confidence that you will not defect. But the one who is upsetting you, whoever he is, will bear the divine judgment."  Galatians 5.7-10b (MSG)

My final thoughts before I hit the pillow for some more soaking time (I need to absorb Jesus' presence to the fullest extent before I hit that classroom tomorrow)…Jesus has more for my life than I can see in the natural realm of my sight.  God is bigger than what I can see or feel.  He knows every detail of every situation I could face and feel anxiety from.  He's know every insecurity that would tear me down when friends reject me.  He wants my heart, my devotion, my time, my thoughts…and He won't relent until He has every part of me.

Blessed beyond what I deserve.

Not Just About Pig Puppets

"Ha!  I remember when you used to r100_0618ead to us from The Azusa Street Papers in LifeCore!"-Amber

"I did that?"-Me

"Yea.  You loved the stories!"-Amber

This past Friday I got to spend some time with a really good friend of mine from college, Amber.  She came into DC for some work and contacted me.  We hadn't seen each other in almost seven years, since her graduation from North Central.

Amber and I met in the fall of 1999, when she moved onto my floor as a college freshman.  I was a leader on my floor and she was one of the girls in my LifeCore group.  We hung out on Tuesday nights from 9-10pm (or if you know me…some stayed until about 12:)  She's from Pennsylvania, so we'd bonded over that immediately, and she just became one of my girls very quickly. The next year I had the opportunity to be Amber's RA (Resident Advisor) for the second half of the year and she was a leader on my floor.  

We were reminiscing with several stories from college the other night, including that one Saturday morning, the second week of school when I physically threatened a guy from our Brother Floor (Yea 4 East-Carlson!) for making her uncomfortable.  As a 20-year-old girl, much shorter than 18-year-old him, I looked up with fire in my eyes and firmly said, "You need help, dude.  And I will hurt you if youWil the pig ever do anything like that to her ever again!"  He didn't.  Amber confirmed it the other night.  He never made her uncomfortable again.  Ha!  I guess having two older brothers to practice fighting with helped, huh?

Amber and I also remembered awesome floor gatherings-like the floor meetings that I'd have where my  leaders and I would wear certain articles of clothing over other articles of clothing, and I'd break out my microphone and we'd do karoake…along with choreographed dances.  And some of you thought that you knew me.  Ha!  If you've never seen me in pig pajamas, wearing pig slippers, pigtails in my hair with pig scrunchies, dancing around with a pig puppet, well…you don't really know me all that well, do you?  I have no desire to go back in time and be in college again, but I will always remember those dance parties my college days fondly.

The thinking pig Don't get me wrong though.  Bible college isn't just all about dancing around with your underwear on your head, rewriting popular songs to sing to your brother floor (like going from "I Wanna Grow Old with You" to "I Wanna be a Sister to You"), dedicating songs to your brother floor on Delilah, playing with pig puppets, playing Four on a Couch and singing your heart out with your curling iron.  (Boy, this list could GO ON!  And wouldn't you love some pictures to go with it?  Dang film cameras!  Will have to scan some pictures in someday.)

**Meet my pig puppet, Wil.  This is him as "The Thinking Pig".  I bought him on my first trip out to NCU, my senior year of high school.  Yes, I still have him.  My grandchildren will giggle at that face someday.  Before you lose all respect for me, know that this little piggie has gone to town and brought many smiles to many faces…including anyone that realized that it made it into our Neshaminy High School's, Year of '97 Senior Class picture.  (Thank you, John Terrence!)

A thoughtful moment from my evening with Amber has been stuck on my opening conversation.  The Azusa Street Papers is an odd-sized book that we had to get for a class at North Central.  It's a collection of 13 issues of a paper that documented testimonies of what God was doing in a revival that happened in the early 1900's.  This paper was printed and passed all around the country to spread the word that God, indeed, did still move in miraculous ways!  People 0032_azusa_street-paperswould flock to be a part of this revival that was happening in this small part of Los Angeles (yes, LA!), and then go home with joy and hope that God can do the same things through their lives!  The stories that some think are so crazy and unbelievable about the Bible….many of the same things were happening among the people in this move of God!  I was so captivated by reading testimony after testimony of healings that took place, and my heart was so moved by the stories of what God had done in the lives of thousands of people.  I loved that odd-sized book…and I guess I would just sit and read the stories to people, including my LifeCore girls.  Ha!  I don't remember it, but it makes sense.  I really  did love that book.

Here I am, about eleven years later, and I am still captivated by how God moves…except a lot more in "real time".  I can't even begin to describe what He is doing in my heart right now, simply on this blog.  Over New Years I got to join 5 of my good friends in going to Kansas City for I-HOP's OneThing conference.  (I-HOP the House of Prayer, not of Pancakes:)  I-HOP is leading one of many prayer movements throughout the world.  It's pretty awesome.  They have a 24/7 prayer room, that is currently streamed online for free through their site.  My life has been blessed and my heart has been stirred.  And guess what…people have been healed and filled with joy, and they're taking joy and hope back to their homes, and around the world!  Ironically, that same year that I became captivated by what had happened through the Azusa Street Revival…that's the same year that I-HOP was founded.

These are merely two moves of God…He moves in miraculous ways all the time, in big and small ways…but these are two that have impacted my life. 

I guess I just found it humorous that so much has been happening in my heart, to the overflow of joy and hope, and that it's been quite an awakening in my spirit…and then that Amber reminded me of this crazy obsession that I had with something similar back in college.  I don't think the obsession ever went away, but I do think it has been dormant for some time, peeking up but not truly coming to the surface until now.

One of my prayers for today…Acts 2.42-47

And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.43 And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles.44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common.45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts,47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Enlisted

"I may never march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, shoot the artillary, Ist2_11885634-wounded-soldier-holding-bible

I may never fly o'er the enemies, but I'm in the Lord's army!  Yes Sir!"

I had no clue what I was singing about as a child.  NO CLUE.

The past week has been a battle.  Lots of victory and insight…but boy have I felt beat up.  This weekend has been unreal.  Lies.  Tears.  Thoughts.  Frustration.  Selfishness.  I know that every battle worth fighting will end with things that God is preparing me for.  Tonight my head hurts, as the battle continues.

 There's this old Twila Paris song, from the late 80's, that I think of in moments like these.

 "The Warrior is a Child"

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing (well, that's debatable lol)

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears (also debatable;)

 They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just awhile

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

 …and the song goes on…

 And some words from Paul (Ephesians 6.10-18)

 10-12And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

  13-18Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.