Had a moment yesterday.
It was soaking in judgement, but I didn't realize it in the moment.
Was sharing something I wasn't sure about with a friend. It took a few seconds and walking out of a door to hear Him. "Kim, that was prideful. You are not a judgemental person-don't take that on yourself to carry."
Later I went back to the person to whom I spoke aloud this something that I'd been thinking. I told her that while I was glad that I said it aloud, I was only glad because it gave me an opportunity to hear the words come out of my mouth, instead of just my head. I was glad that it gave Holy Spirit a better opportunity to help me take captive that thought and make it obedient to Christ. I had confessed to another without even trying to, but I went back to confess that I had realized there was a judgemental spirit that was creeping in momentarily. It was already gone though.
My friend, in all of her wisdom reminded me that no matter how passionate I can be about ministry that may be entrusted into my care temporarily, at the end of the day (and perhaps at the beginning and in the middle too) Father God cares more about that ministry. She said that in reality, God is Who creates the masterpieces that we often see in front of us (and often receive accolades for).
Then she drew me a little picture.
This is what my ministry looks like to God. He takes what little I have to offer and creates the awesomeness that people see and love to affirm me for.
This was the most affirming conversation I'd had in a long time (and I've had some really sweet, humbling conversations these past few months). So glad everything does not depend on me and my giftings. Our Creator looks at my scribbles, pats my hand and says, "Oh, Kimmy…sweet Kimmy…I love it!" Then He touches it and awes people with what He does with it. It becomes AWEsome.
I cannot imagine life without Jesus. Not a fan of the pressure of feeling as if I have to create a masterpiece of success on my own all the time. It's not necessary to carry that any longer.
"God, this is your ministry. What do you want to do with it?"
"God, this is your baby. How am I supposed to handle this?"
"God, this is your debt. You said that you paid it."
"God, this is your unemployment to carry. You said that you would meet my needs."
I have always had a tendency to carry things that don't belong to me-to worry about things that aren't mine to worry about. I'm so grateful that God is breaking me of that, little by little. There's a fine line between taking responsibility for things you need to, and relinquishing all passions and control back to Jesus.
Sometimes we're called to speak out in passion.
Sometimes we're not.
Sometimes we're called to jump in by faith.
Sometimes we're called to wait.
Sometimes we draw with God's hand guiding us. And He'll just sit and gaze upon our beauty as we stick with Him and move with Him.
All the time He is present, adoring us.
As a special throwback, here's one of my favorite songs from junior high. I had the soundtrack and sang it at some point in church (although, let's be real….it's not a great song for my voice;-) But I loved the words to this song and would rewind that tape and sing it over and over again, and just cry at that realization of where my strength and hope were sourced.