I’m sure it’s just a feeling

Can I admit that I’m a little bit stressed?  Maybe a little bit more than a little bit…
The literacy project that I’m working with is messing with my mind.  There’s so much to be done and not enough time.  There are three schools doing this project and our school is the last in the progression.  Our time comes next Monday and Tuesday, when the other two schools have had 4 days each, these past two weeks.  It’s a bit frustrating because I feel like our school is getting jipped (don’t think I’ve ever written that word before!).  Like I said, the other two schools got 4 days with them and we only get two.  Our mentors couldn’t find another day to come meet with us, but they just took on a whole other school, at which isn’t really at-risk and they simply have so much more than we do, as a third year school.  They’re a fine arts school that has their own building, less loopholes and they appear to be the stars of our management company.  We want a chance to shine and I really just don’t feel like we’re getting it.  It’s not even just that, but I really want to do an awesome job, and we already know that we’re not getting all the training that we’re supposed to be getting this month.  We have no idea what we’re teaching in the fall, so we can’t plan…my head is spinning.

Do you ever feel like you’re being set up to fail?  That’s kind of the feel right now with the other teachers and I right now. 

It sounds like I’m so jealous and whiny, but I really don’t want to fail and I really do want our school to stand out…it just doesn’t look that’s going to happen.  That frustrates me.

On top of all that, I really wanted to hand some major commitments off to another teacher this year, but she just got offered a position at her husband’s school, so she’s not coming back.  At my building we have 4 brand new teachers and 2 other teachers who are only in their 2nd or 3rd year…there just isn’t anybody else to take over the commitments. 

I love my job and I love that I get to be a part of this project, and I’m totally pumped about this year, but honestly, I’m a little concerned…

So, God, please help me:)

Having to Write…some random thoughts

I’m finding that I have less time to write, now that I’m supposed to!  I really can’t say that it’s because I’ve been working so hard this past week, but it has more to do with, well, not having time because I’ve just been busy with other things that I’ve felt the need to enjoy and experience!  Writing can be very therapeutic, I agree, and I’ve been wanting to express some of the deepest and heartfelt emotions that I’ve experienced lately, but it just doesn’t always happen.  It shouldn’t always happen-not online anyway.  That’s what the composition book is for.  Nonetheless, my writing should improve.  You should hear my voice, when you read, and see less mistakes (as if I made mistakes, hah!:).  My word choice should make a difference…

But, oh, it is hard to think about improving when I read some other blogs with so much flair and personality.  I think I’m becoming a pessimist.  That’s scary.  I have these amazing friends who are spectacular writers and should be getting published as I speak write.  It’s not that I’m all that competitive, but I am awfully comparative.  When does that end?  How does it happen that I become more and more self-conscious, the older I get?  I hit a peak of confidence and it’s all been downhill from there…(oh dear). 

My friend, Phil Gocke, talked about the fear of God this morning.  It was timely.  He said that if we fear God, then other fears should be lessoned. Then he used this verse, which is some great advice from King David.  Isn’t self-consciousness a result of fearing man over fearing God?  Let’s just say that I feared God as He has wanted me to, would my heart feel a need to fear what man would think of me?  Would I have anything to compare to, but Jesus?  Would I care that Katie my friends writes more eloquently and deeply than I could ever dream to?

Back at North Central, there was this amazing man who came to head up our Residence Life Department the year I became an RA.  His name was Jake Smith, and he began to challenge our thinking as young adults, serving Jesus.  Probably the most influential thing that Jake brought to my life was his statement about being better.  He said, "I want to be better.  Better than what?  Yep."  It was never about competition with another individual or team, but it was about competition with himself and the last minute.  It’s not about being better than the person next to you, whether it’s your enemy or your friend, but it’s about being better than you were a minute ago…yesterday…last year…a decade ago. 

Isn’t that what Jesus wants us to do?  Pursue greatness.  Pursue excellence.  We’ll never be better than Jesus, but if our goal is to become more like Him, won’t we become better than ourselves yesterday?  And if I fear the Lord, more than I fear man, wouldn’t these concepts be a great couple?